By Jordan Gregg
*Individuals’ identities are protected with replacement names.
There are roughly one million individuals in the United States that identify as transgender, according to the CDC. The Public Religion Research Institute says that about 62% of Americans are supportive of the transgender community. Transgender is defined by Oxford Languages as, “denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex.” Although a little over half of the U.S. supports transgender individuals, the National Center for Transgender Equality said in an article published in August 2020 that 28 transgender individuals were murdered in 2020 and 26 in 2019 as a result of hate crime.
Realizing you’re different
Maddy is a 30-year-old trans female whose interest in being feminine began at a young age. “When I was really young, I’d wear my mom’s heels around the house, like younger than 5 years old,” Maddy said. She wanted to do more things considered feminine, but her father was very much against it. In the early 2000s, when she was 10 or 11 years old, Maddy babysat for family friends who had two girls and enjoyed participating in “girly” activities with them such as playing house or with dolls.
In 2009, Maddy’s father passed away. She considers this event in their life as a turning point when it came to understanding herself and who she wanted to be. “I think he might have been a major contributor to suppressing this so much and not really acknowledging any of it.” A couple of years later, Maddy moved in with her girlfriend at the time, where she was able to more fully express herself. Although this was something open in their relationship, Maddy blamed herself for her girlfriend leaving because of the interest in dressing as a woman. Maddy threw away the women’s clothing she had and pretended it no longer interested her, which she later regretted.
A few years after this, Maddy began dating another woman who accepted her interest in dressing in women’s clothing as well. They dated for some time, during which Maddy began wearing women’s clothing more and more and even met some others like her through the power of the internet.
In 2018, Maddy created a Facebook account solely for her feminine side. She wanted to explore and learn more about her interests without anything being connected to her personal Facebook. “I had realized I wasn’t just crossdressing but was what I thought was at least gender fluid.”
Maddy’s current girlfriend, Lily, has been with her for the last three years and is also very supportive of her identifying as female. “She has been pushing me to be myself and explore who I am.” This past year, Maddy realized that she is more female than anything else and began identifying as one and gave herself the name, Maddy.
Accepting your true self
Not everyone knows about Maddy’s new identity. As Maddy, she only chooses to tell those who she knows will be fully supportive of this decision. “If I’m not 100% sure they will be supportive of me, I do some digging since the secret is super important to be kept,” Maddy said, “My mom kind of knows but not to the extent of being trans.” The only other family member that knows of Maddy’s change in identity is a cousin of hers even though she thinks her family would be accepting of her, but not as good at keeping it a secret. “I’ve shared with a few hundred people roughly, but there’s maybe less than 150 people that I know in-person who actually know.”
The reason it is difficult for Maddy to fully come out as transgender is the fear of being a target for hate and being treated differently because she is trans. This stems mostly from the attitude of her coworkers towards transgender individuals. This is why Maddy is careful in choosing pictures to post to her Facebook profile, to make sure no one connects her to Nick.
Maddy also fears losing some friends and family or even her job if she told everyone her new identity. But, Maddy says, “Louisville isn’t as bad as going to other cities. This city is very LGBTQ friendly in comparison to others.”
Adjusting to a new lifestyle
Going out in public as a trans woman can be scary for most for fear of being a target of violence, hate or discrimination. Since everyone has to wear a mask in public because of COVID-19, this makes it easier for Maddy to be out in public as a woman. “I really enjoy it,” says Maddy, “the mask makes it so much more enjoyable. It hides my jawline and makes it so people aren’t staring at me for having a masculine face.” She also says wearing women’s outfits is “exciting” and “wonderful”. It’s still scary for Maddy when it comes to talking to strangers, though, because it is difficult to hide her masculine voice. She’s excited to be able to wear dresses as the weather becomes warmer and is still experimenting with makeup.
Although Maddy is happy with herself and enjoys being a woman, she still considers being transgender a risk for her employment and discrimination from others. Federal law prohibits discrimination against transgender individuals in schools, employment and housing situations but there is still a considerable number of Americans that do not support these rights. The Transgender Law Center shows that 9 states, including Texas, have a low amount of policies that pursue equality for LGBTQ people. 15 states, including California, have the highest number of policies. Kentucky and Indiana were ranked “low” with their number of policies, which can make it difficult for Maddy and people like her to come out in their communities.
Anyone who is transgender and is suffering can call The Trevor Project’s Lifeline at 866–488–7386 or the Trans Lifeline at 877–565–8860
*interviewee read and approved story before publishing
